Understanding Disenfranchised Grief in the Context of Miscarriage, Infant Loss, and Termination for Medical Reasons (TFMR)
Grief is a universal human experience, yet not all grief is recognized, validated, or understood.
When it comes to the loss of a pregnancy, stillbirth, infant loss, termination for medical reasons (TFMR), or the prolonged experience of infertility, the grief experienced can be particularly profound. However, society often fails to acknowledge these types of grief. This type of unacknowledged sorrow is known as disenfranchised grief.
What is Disenfranchised Grief?
Disenfranchised grief, a term coined by grief researcher Dr. Kenneth Doka, refers to grief that is not socially recognized or validated. Unlike traditional forms of grief that society expects and supports—such as mourning the death of a parent or spouse—disenfranchised grief occurs when the loss is minimized, misunderstood, or even outright dismissed by others. This can leave the grieving individual feeling isolated and misunderstood, complicating their healing process.
How Disenfranchised Grief Manifests
Like many things, disenfranchised grief manifests uniquely in different contexts, especially when it involves reproductive loss or struggles. Here is a closer look at how disenfranchised grief affects those who experience miscarriage, stillbirth, infant loss, TFMR, and infertility.
1. Miscarriage
Miscarriage, often defined as a pregnancy loss before 20 weeks, can bring about a complex and profound sense of loss. However, people who miscarry often face comments like "At least it was early," or "You can try again," which can invalidate their grief. Research indicates that approximately 10-20% of known pregnancies end in miscarriage, yet societal understanding of this loss remains limited, leaving many people to feel unsupported and alone in their grief American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG).
2. Stillbirth
Stillbirth, defined as the loss of a baby at 20 weeks or later, is a devastating experience that is often accompanied by profound grief. Unlike miscarriage, the grief associated with stillbirth can be even more intense due to the length of the pregnancy and the attachment that has formed. Many parents have already prepared for the arrival of their child, only to have those dreams shattered. The societal discomfort with discussing death, especially that of an infant, often leads to silence and avoidance rather than support. According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention (CDC), about 1 in 160 pregnancies in the U.S. ends in stillbirth, yet many parents report feeling isolated and unsupported by their community and healthcare providers.
3. Infant Loss
The loss of a newborn or infant is devastating, yet this grief is also frequently minimized. People might avoid discussing the loss or offer well-intentioned but hurtful phrases like, "It wasn't meant to be" or "Be grateful for the time you had." For parents who have lost an infant, the grief is deep and often long-lasting, as it involves not just the loss of the baby but also the future they envisioned with them. Studies show that parents who lose an infant often experience symptoms of PTSD and prolonged grief disorder, exacerbated by a lack of societal support Journal of Perinatal & Neonatal Nursing.
4. Termination for Medical Reasons (TFMR)
TFMR involves the heartbreaking decision to end a wanted pregnancy due to severe fetal anomalies or health risks to the pregnant person. This decision, while made out of love and necessity, is often shrouded in stigma and silence. Those who experience TFMR may be met with judgment or silence rather than empathy, leading to feelings of isolation and shame. A study published in Obstetrics & Gynecology shows that many individuals who undergo TFMR experience complicated grief symptoms, compounded by societal stigma around abortion.
5. Infertility
Infertility, defined as the inability to conceive after a year of regular unprotected sex, affects about 10-15% of couples globally, according to the World Health Organization (WHO). The grief associated with infertility is often disenfranchised because it is ongoing and not tied to a specific event. Friends and family might unintentionally minimize the grief by suggesting that the person “just relax” or “try harder,” dismissing the physical, emotional, and financial toll that infertility takes. People navigating infertility often mourn not just the absence of a child but also the loss of their anticipated future as parents.
Other Types of Disenfranchised Grief
Disenfranchised grief is not limited to reproductive loss or struggles; it can occur in many other contexts, including:
Loss of a Pet: Pets are often considered family members, and their loss can be deeply painful. However, this grief is frequently minimized by those who don’t understand the bond between people and their pets.
Non-Death Losses: These include losses such as a divorce, losing a job, or the end of a friendship. While these events can be life-altering, they are not always recognized as legitimate reasons for profound grief.
Loss of a Loved One to Substance Abuse or Suicide: Grief in these cases is often complicated by stigma and shame, with many people feeling judged or unsupported in their mourning process.
Grief in LGBTQ+ Communities: Losses related to family estrangement, discrimination, or the death of a partner (especially before legal recognition of same-sex relationships) often go unrecognized or unsupported by broader society.
The Emotional Impact of Disenfranchised Grief
The lack of acknowledgment or validation of one’s grief can lead to feelings of isolation, shame, and even anger. People may feel as though they do not have a right to mourn or that their grief is “lesser” because it does not fit within society's framework of acceptable or understandable losses. This can further complicate the grieving process, leading to prolonged or unresolved grief, which can impact mental health, relationships, and overall well-being.
How to Support Those Experiencing Disenfranchised Grief
Listen Without Judgment: Often, the most powerful support you can provide is simply to listen. Allow the grieving person to share their experience without trying to offer solutions, silver linings, or unsolicited advice.
Acknowledge Their Loss: Use the baby's name if they’ve shared it, or acknowledge the pregnancy as a real and meaningful loss. Simple phrases like, “I’m so sorry for your loss” or “I’m here for you” can be incredibly validating.
Educate Yourself: Understand that miscarriage, stillbirth, infant loss, TFMR, and infertility are deeply personal and unique experiences. Educate yourself about the realities and emotional impact of these types of loss to provide more compassionate and informed support.
Respect Their Grieving Process: Everyone grieves differently, and there is no “right” way to mourn. Respect their pace and needs, whether that means talking about their loss frequently or needing time and space.
Avoid Minimizing Language: Phrases like “You can try again” or “At least it wasn’t…” can feel dismissive and painful. Recognize that the loss is real and significant.
Moving Forward with Compassion
Disenfranchised grief, especially in the context of miscarriage, stillbirth, infant loss, TFMR, infertility, and other unacknowledged losses, requires greater awareness, empathy, and understanding. By recognizing this form of grief, we can begin to break the silence that surrounds it, validate those who are grieving, and create a more compassionate space for healing.
If you or someone you know is experiencing this type of grief, know that your feelings are valid and that you are not alone. Reaching out to supportive communities, grief counselors, or therapists who specialize in disenfranchised grief can be an important step in finding the understanding and care that you deserve. If you are in the state of Maryland, reach out to me to see if we are a good fit.
