What a Reproductive Mental Health Therapist Wishes Pro-Life Advocates Understood
“Relief and grief often coexist. Abortion decisions are almost never black and white; they are shaped by factors like health, finances, relationships, and personal values.”
My journey into the world of reproductive mental health was anything but straightforward. I grew up in a deeply Catholic household, where conversations about pregnancy and abortion were shaped by faith and strong cultural narratives. My mother volunteered for Birthright, a Crisis Pregnancy Center, and I remember watching her devote time and energy to helping others. She approached this work with the best intentions and likely made a difference in many lives. I say this to note that I respect that good that people are working to do in the world, some even at pro-life places. But now, with time and perspective, I also recognize the problematic messages I internalized during that time—messages that I still see echoed in the world today. I can see that help offered as a bargain, or with pro-life messaging thrust upon them, is harmful.
One of those messages was: “No one ever regrets having kids, but people regret having abortions.” I vividly remember holding small models of fetuses in my hands, arranged by each stage of development, their fragility a symbol of the weighty decisions surrounding pregnancy. In college, after taking Plan B, I cried because I believed I had committed a sin and feared eternal damnation. I was convinced that if I ever became pregnant, no matter the circumstances, I would raise that child.
Over time, my worldview shifted. By my 20s, I had embraced more progressive beliefs. Yet, even then, if asked about abortion, I would say, “I’m supportive of anyone’s right to choose, but I personally don’t believe abortion is a choice I would make.” At the time, I thought this position was nuanced, but in retrospect, I see that it stemmed from a lack of understanding about the complexity of abortion experiences and the diversity of circumstances people face.
Fast forward to today. I am a mental health therapist specializing in reproductive and perinatal mental health. I work closely with new moms, those navigating miscarriages, infertility, and yes, those grappling with their abortion experiences. I facilitate post-abortion support groups through Postpartum Support International (PSI), and I serve as the Chief Engagement Officer of Pro-Choice Therapists. I am also a mother of two, someone who has experienced a miscarriage and secondary infertility, and a person who still holds on to the belief that humans are inherently good and compassionate.
Through my work, I’ve heard countless stories from people navigating difficult, painful circumstances and emotions surrounding abortion. What strikes me most is how much understanding could be built if those who are staunchly pro-life could listen to these stories with open hearts. So, if you identify as pro-life, here’s what I want you to know:
1. There Are People in Your Life Who Have Had an Abortion
Abortion isn’t a far-off, abstract concept—it’s deeply woven into the fabric of our communities. Whether it was a D&C after a miscarriage, medication to end an unintended pregnancy, a procedural abortion, or one of the many other reasons abortions occur, someone you know and care about has had one. They may have never told you, but it’s part of their story. Understanding this reality is the first step to compassion.
2. People Are Really Suffering After Abortion Experiences
But not for the reasons you might think. The concept of “post-abortion syndrome” has been debunked by science—it’s not a real condition. Mental health struggles after an abortion aren’t caused by the abortion itself but often by the complexities of family-building journeys, abortion stigma, and/or a lack of support. Fertility, pregnancy loss, and parenting are emotionally charged topics, and abortion is part of that complicated spectrum.
People post-abortion are also often grieving. I hear this in a million different ways. There is grief around having to decide. There is grief around not being in a stable, supportive or safe situation for a baby. There is grief around lost partnerships, lost friendships. There is loneliness with not being able to share due to the abortion stigma around them. There is fear of legal implications. There is guilt, and shame and loss. Just like with any other difficult thing in life, there are difficult emotions. Because abortion is so stigmatized, people are left with limited or extremely biased places to find community and healing.
3. Abortion Decisions Are Complex and Universal
Life is messy, and abortion decisions are no exception. When you hear real stories from people who have had abortions, you’ll see that it’s not as black-and-white as political narratives make it seem. Relief and grief often coexist. Abortion decisions are almost never black and white; they are shaped by factors like health, finances, relationships, and personal values. Abortion crosses every demographic: age, religion, political affiliation, and socioeconomic status. People who identify as conservative, religious, or pro-life sometimes face circumstances where they choose abortion. This is not just a pro-life vs pro-choice dialogue or talking point. It’s not a partisan issue—it’s a human issue.
4. Many People Who Have Abortions Are Already Parents
A significant portion of those who seek abortions are already raising children. They understand the responsibility of parenthood and often make this decision to prioritize their family’s well-being. Far from being careless or cavalier, these decisions are often made with deep thought and care.
5. You Can Be Pro-Reproductive Care Without Choosing Abortion for Yourself
Being supportive of others’ choices doesn’t mean you’re obligated to make the same choice. Everyone’s circumstances are unique, shaped by their resources, communities, and values. It’s okay to say, “That’s not a choice I would make for myself,” while respecting that others may need to make different decisions.
Moving Forward with Compassion
As a therapist grounded in humanistic principles, I believe in the inherent goodness of people. It’s this belief that allows me to keep doing the work I do—to sit with people in their hardest moments and hold space for their humanity. My hope is that those who hold a pro-life stance can begin to approach the topic of abortion with the same openness and compassion.
People are doing the best they can with the tools and resources they have. That includes pro-lifers. That includes abortion seekers. Listening to each other with empathy has the power to bridge divides, foster understanding, and remind us of our shared humanity.
If this resonates, consider seeking out stories of people who’ve faced these decisions. Listening with an open heart is the first step toward compassion. Here are some ideas on resources to get started:
Online Platforms and Organizations
We Testify
Focuses on amplifying the voices of people who have had abortions, particularly those from marginalized communities.
Website: wetestify.orgShout Your Abortion
A movement dedicated to normalizing abortion through personal storytelling.
Website: shoutyourabortion.comThe Abortion Diary Podcast
Features real stories from people sharing their abortion experiences.
Website: theabortiondiarypodcast.comAdvancing New Standards in Reproductive Health (ANSIRH)
Provides research-based stories and resources about reproductive health and abortion experiences.
Website: ansirh.orgPro-Choice America (NARAL)
Shares abortion stories as part of its advocacy for reproductive freedom.
Website: prochoiceamerica.org
